PS I Still Love You: Letter Two

(disclaimer: I don't own it)

My Dearest Husband,

I can't believe it has been three months since I saw you.

Sometimes it seems as though it has been a lifetime, and I can barely remember the sound of your voice without playing the answering machine tape. I have to really concentrate to catch a lingering whiff of your scent. I have breathed you in so much in the past few months, that I think I have nearly sucked all of you out of the apartment.

I can function and get through a day without crying or hurting. I see the girls and we go to lunch, or visit with my mother. I feel alive.

Other times, it seems like only yesterday and the pain hits so hard that it nearly doubles me over. The sound of your voice washes over me in such clarity that I swear you are standing next to me. I close my eyes and I can see your face so clearly that I can tell you the exact shades of green and brown that make up the color of your eyes.

Our bed is still empty without you in it. My arms ache to hold you. My hands seek only one more touch of yours. I am sorry for the tear stains. I can't seem to stop them from falling.

Gerry, I need to tell you how sorry I am that we argued. That I drove you crazy with my worrying over everything. I pushed and pushed for so much: a bigger apartment, timetable for having a baby. I picked at everything until it made you lash out back at me.

I know you were right. That our life was right then. That we were living it. I feel like such a fool that I missed out on so much. You were right there, and I missed you. I could have had more of you, but I let you slip by. I regret that.

I regret that you aren't here for me to tell you to your face that you will soon be a father. Yes baby. I found out today. I have been feeling sick to my stomach for a couple months now. I thought it was grief, but it seems as though you left a little something behind. I wish we could have done this together. That I hadn't insisted on waiting.

I don't know how I will be as a mother. But I promise you I will do the best that I can. And I will make sure our son or daughter knows how much you wanted him or her.

I need to go for now. I am working on an idea and I want to see how it turns out before I tell you about it. Oh, and my first actual baby doctor visit is next month. I will let you know how that goes too.

You are always in my thought, and forever in my heart Gerry.

Holly

p.s. I still love you